Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Learn about your body

Up until 2 months ago I was taking 14 pills a day and a shot once a week for my arthritis and fibromyalgia.  Shots that weren't working and causing anxiety because they have to go into my belly.   The swelling never went down and my fingers were deforming even more,  like some kind of permanent live long and proper hand sign.

I grew tired of side affects and every visit was an increase of dosage and finally when the rheumatologist told me I would have to try the next med.  I had a mini episode in my head.  You see the side affect of this new meds were worse, to include a small chance of death...  yup DEATH!   To make matters worse she was so casual about it.   She said well its a very tiny chance.  Look I have a husband and a kid, how responsible would that be to essentially gamble suicide for pain relief, no thanks!

Granted I haven't stopped taking all of my medications, I certainly don't recommend just dropping your meds like that, it is dangerous.  In fact I don't recommend anything at all, I am not a doctor...  again this is my story.  What I do suggest is being proactive with your doctor.  Tell them what you want, find a common ground, and work with them.

That is when I hit the internet, grilled my friend who studies natural healing, and went to the library.  I gathered all the info I could about herbs dietary changes.  And it is making some difference in my situation.   I learned that if you are food that are nightshade variety, that they can increase inflammation which if you have illness' that are sensitive to that then you are compounding the situation.  Common varieties of nightshade plants include white potato, tomato, eggplant, bell peppers, hot peppers etc.    Also including foods that fight arthritis like those that are high in Omega-3's like salmon, mackerel, flax seed, walnuts, and Chia seeds (which are a super food of the ancient times of Aztecs and Mayans)

Excercise of course came up, but things like swimming, stretching, and yoga.   I will be starting yoga, actually I decided to try DDP Yoga, I will be blogging about that as well.  I tried running but my body protested wildly, so after seeing that Arthur guy doing I am inspired...   plus Diamond Dallas Page has an amazing quote  "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it!~DDP" 

Anyhow folks this is a learning process, I look forward to what we learn together

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


Well today marks day 1 of my journey of Tired of being sick and taking without question every pill the doctors give me, tired of of floating day by day not being the best me I can be, tired of letting my past rule my future... tired of being tired.

First I am going to give you a little back story into me!  I am a Wife, Mother, Marine Corp Veteran, 12 year recovered alcoholic, a broken kid inside an adult body and a woman dealing with disabilities.   Sounds kinda grim, all those labels, but don't weigh so heavy on the ugly ones they are far smaller that the great ones.

I am a wife to an amazing, patient, and overwhelmingly loving man.   Seriously, I would have ran screaming from myself long ago.  There are tons of days when I feel like I haven't held up my end of the deal.   However after 20 years we are cruising along, after a long series of ups and ugly downs.

I am a mother to a fantabulous daughter, smart, beautiful, creative. She blows my mind daily with her curiosity and ability to articulate what I sometimes think is incredibly complicated...

I am a Marine Corp Veteran I was a helicopter mechanic, which always surprises everyone... not sure how I feel about that one.  Kinda like wearing a dress one day and everyone exclaims wow you look sooo good!...  um, how bad did I look before.  I loved my tour in the Corp really really LOVED it.  First of all I fixed helicopters, crawled all over those pigs.  flew in them, and got to cram myself in a tiny rack on a ship and see lots of places in the world.

I am an alcoholic recovered for 12 years at this point.   It has been a long road, blessed by God that he gave me the strength to remain free from this addiction.   now I know there is a controversy with the term recovered, so I would like to explain myself a little bit.   It's my state of recovery and I will call it what I want...  thanks!     My journey with alcoholism starts as a child.   Alcoholism is a family affliction, we are not alone, there are lots of us in various stages.    I had my first drink when I was 13  after a series of events.  It was easy to access my dad who raised me was the kind of alcoholic who would "hide" his bottles everywhere in trees, holes in the yard, under the house.   Apparently since my birth mom was little, I know its complicated next paragraph.  

Obviously it was awful, but it was fun in a way, laughing, smiling, numb.  Not really forgetting stuff, but the stuff didn't matter and I was ok with that.   Now I wasn't falling down drunk at that age, it just got easier each time I tried it.   In a weird way I felt connected to my dad again, we didn't drink together or anything weird like that but at this point his alcoholism was so bad that he wouldn't leave his room, he stayed in that dark room he would pee in his empty bottles.  He would send people to the store when they came to visit to get alcohol for him, which I never understood, and he would remain there till the day he went to the hospital and died.

I began to drink with friends, we even started putting vodka in oranges so we can have them at lunch so one  would notice...   but they noticed.  After my first year in high school I was sent to continuation school.  I continued drinking off and on for a long time.  Oddly I have never been someone who could drink tons before getting drunk, it never took much.  But I loved it and what came with alcohol was smoking, sex and I enjoyed it so why not?  I never saw the damage being done.   At some point I met my future husband and somehow just stopped it all.   and a 8 years later I fell off "the wagon"  it was gradual I thought I could handle a drink or two, turned into a drink or ten.   Set off from an incident and  coupled with non dealing with the a insanity that was my childhood, a circus of broken people looking the other way form their own pain not realizing that the cycle would happen again by doing so.   With my pregnancy came sobriety, a deep slap of reality and an unfathomable desire to ensure what happened to me NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN.

The truth about my alcoholism, is that I can never even allow myself to have one drink because it will not stop.   At this point I am comfortable with that fact, and don't feel like I am missing out on anything because of my addiction.   But I can never forget or allow myself to get all together comfortable with my sobriety.  I must always remember that triggers are deep within me, and I must remain strong.

I am a broken kid inside an adult body, a kid in process of coming clean, admitting to myself and stop laughing about it and maybe be sad for her, and help her to move on.    I was born to my birth mom as the second child of 5. She was going to give me up for adoption, which I think is an amazing gift,  to which I say thanks Mom, it is hard to decide that your kid is more important than how you feel after you hold a baby.  My grandmother (Momma) and aunt took me home to raise me.  Momma has gone home to be with Jesus, and it still hurts to think about her.  I miss her.   I never questioned growing up why my momma was much older than the other moms.  I was never told the truth of my lineage until I was 14-15, the therapist thought that was why I was acting out.  Looking back I now realize that everyone knew but me.  I thought my life was normal,  I was the same age as my "nieces and nephews"  my siblings were married it was a joke we all laughed.  They lived with us off an on over the years, turns out some of them were my actual siblings.

There was chaos, my parents argued a lot she would say Ray if I had a gun I would kill you.  He would get the gun yell for us to go outside and though her hands were deformed she had Ectrodactyly, she would pull that trigger on that shotgun, there were a couple of times when that happened, once the firetrucks came because she skimmed the gas line and we had a leak... good times.

My birth mom had struggles, she went on to have 3 more children and was in an abusive relationship and he turned abusive to them as well.  They would live with us off and on, and finally was placed into the system for adoption we met up later in our 30's, most days I wished they would have taken me away too.  I may have been in a different family but not much was different.  I was never grounded from things growing up I was slapped, hit, choked, screamed at.  But no one ever came for me.  It wasn't all bad, there were good times mixed in there too.  I think that is what made it so difficult for people to see the other stuff.

As momma got older her health deteriorated, which meant in between trips to the corner market to get dad some port wine and smokes (way back then they would do that)   I started having to help momma with a shower, get her coffee, and make food.  Not so bad at first...   We had a neighbor who became good friends with momma, she was super nice and had a daughter she was young.  She worked hard at night and her husband worked in the day and hung out at the bar at night.   One night I babysat, and when he came home he molested me.   I ran home, I cried, told know one.  I spent alot of energy  tucking that away till it roared its ugly head many years later.  

The lesson here is tell someone...  scream it, whisper it  even if it happened a long time ago get it out!  not talking about it only makes it worse, this doesn't tuck away in a nice compartment inside you.  Get a therapist and work it out.   I later moved in with an aunt and uncle and was pointed in a good direction, but the damage wasn't dealt with, because nobody really knew about how deep that ran.

I am sick. I have been dealing with illness' and sickness since I was in the Marine Corp, my knee never really came back from that surgery and my arthritis and fibromyalgia is debilitating.  I am learning to make healthy changes and not be depressed about all the medication.

So that is me in a rather large, awkward nutshell.  I look back and wonder sometimes why didn't someone save me, how could they not see... and then I realize I was saved, because somehow I lived through this nightmare.  God is Amazing!

My purpose of this blog is to not bore you with details of a person you have never met.   But to first not be shamed of my life, it is chaotic, but it is mine, and to invite you on the journey of change and not let the past rule your future.  I look forward to this trip of Transmogrification!